apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
The best revenge is premature balding
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
