She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
