ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Randomize
