So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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