Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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