Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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