Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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