I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Randomize
