let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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