Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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