Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
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