what day is it and did you see me today?
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
