My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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