I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
You took a bar mat shot.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
