I met the friendliest cop last night
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
3 2 1 whiskey
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
