not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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