Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Randomize
