Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
