im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Randomize
