I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
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