I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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