the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
