i need an iv and a liver transplant
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Green mimosas i think yes
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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