apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Randomize
