??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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