true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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