You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
