the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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