I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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