Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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