Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
