I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
