so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
