At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
