I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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