Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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