it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
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