I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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