God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
