Who wears a wallet chain?!
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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