Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
