Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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