I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
