I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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