At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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