apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
