he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
She told me I should be a condom model.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
