so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Randomize
