The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
