he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
