hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
